Join the Ashes of Creation MMORPG
(Register or log in to remove advertisements - why ads?)

Foundation lore: Last Day of Frostfall, 2E 575


Started by Nehemia
Post #25292
Contributor

335
Faction & Race:
Ebonheart Pact (Dunmer)
That night was completely silent, no animal in the wilds made a sound. The mountains did not howl in the wind, as the wind dared not to speak. The clearing where Horik had met the Pilgrim was filled by the moonlit, and fueled the creeping shadows of the branches. Horik entered the clearing with a torch in his hand, he walked into the middle of the clearing and stared at the sky.

In a moment, the Pilgrim emerged from the shadows, smiling, attempting to hold his laugh. The pilgrim raised his hands at the sky, yelling out "So in the end it was the mortal heart that accomplished the task.. Executioner, Overseer, Spy. All dead because of you. Congratulations!" Horik grumbled, placed his hand on his swords hilt. The pilgrim broadly waved his hands at the man "Now now, celebrate with me" He waved his hands to his left, and Horik noticed an small table and two stools hidden in the shadows of the clearing. The pilgrim walked over the table and lit the lantern. They both sat down. The pilgrim poured wine to both of their glasses. Horik had spoken a word, but as the Pilgrim raised a toast, he replied with a faint "Cheers." After they had drank from the wine, Horik spoke out with a serious tone in his voice. "As agreed, you will now tell me the last missing name." The Pilgrim grinned at Horik. "Now now, aren't we hasty, but I do not mind, agreement is an agreement. In this dawn of our glorious celebration.." The Pilgrims grin grew so wide one could see his blackened gums. "Nehemia Kinslayer, Four Faces of Pain.". Horik stood up from his chair. "Cursed as you are, because of this information you have given me, I will spare your life. But know this, cursed one. It will not happen again." The pilgrim still seated in his stool, staring at the wine glass of Horik with the most sinister intent.

Horik had left his torch behind, his eyes were not adjusted to the dark, so he stumbled in the woods, with slow foot steps he made his way towards his estate. His mind was troubled, did the Pilgrim speak the truth, or was he being used? He had an sudden feeling he had not realized something, the same creeping feeling he had with the servant, he placed his hand on his swords hilt and turned around. He felt an sharp pain on his stomach area, and his hand fell numb from the hilt. He stared into the eyes of a beast in the night.

The Pilgrim glanced downwards as Horiks clothes became stained with blood. With a calm tone he asks "Do you like games, Thane?" Horiks vision started to blur, and the sudden realization. The most beautiful voice that a nord bard could possess, the woman sang to his ears as the past events flew through his mind.

Horik closed his eyes. The pilgrim assisted him to a sitting position. As Horiks eyes open the Pilgrim was smiling at him. Horik slowly reached his arm and placed it on The Pilgrims shoulder. "Nehemia..." Nehemia smiles at Horik as he lets go of the sword and stands up. "So, you finally put the pieces together I left for you.. I wonder if others would have done the same." Thane Horik gives Nehemia a slow nod. He is about to speak but Nehemia interrupts him. "As long as the main pillar stands, the shrine can be rebuilt. The Three had to be purged. All of them had to be purged. I dared to risk the day of Fungus Feast. I saw it on their faces, they wanted to replace me.. Me. Yet the code bound us all to in-action. I could no longer stand and wait." Horiks faced turned into disgust. Nehemia placed his foot on Horiks shoulder, grabbed his swords hilt and pushed Horik down with his foot. Horik, with his last breath asked Nehemia. "What is it you seek?" Nehemia smiles at the body of a dying man. "To be complete."
This post was last modified: January 25th 2013 01:21 AM by Nehemia


Come, Unstoppable Eraser Rain
Throat Adder | Societas Daemonica
Like Reply
The following 5 users Like Nehemia's post:
BlackHorde, Frejya Egildottir, Grimhild Urdenheimr, Iogairn, Thorfinn
Post #30437
Member

39
Faction & Race:
Ebonheart Pact (Nord)
I find this story very interesting. Many questions. More, please!


Feedback:
- You bounce around between past and present tense. If it's deliberate, it needs to be clearer as to why the reader is being bounced around. If it isn't deliberate, it needs to be consistent.
- Avoid the passive voice if possible.
- You should use an apostrophe to show possession. (i.e. "Nehemia's Story" or "Horik's sword")
- Insert paragraph breaks within blocks of dialogue to indicate changes in the speaker.


Like Reply
The following 1 user likes Grimhild Urdenheimr's post:
Nehemia
Post #30498
Contributor

335
Faction & Race:
Ebonheart Pact (Dunmer)
(January 30th 2013 11:03 AM)Grimhild Urdenheimr Wrote:  I find this story very interesting. Many questions. More, please!


Feedback:
- You bounce around between past and present tense. If it's deliberate, it needs to be clearer as to why the reader is being bounced around. If it isn't deliberate, it needs to be consistent.
- Avoid the passive voice if possible.
- You should use an apostrophe to show possession. (i.e. "Nehemia's Story" or "Horik's sword")
- Insert paragraph breaks within blocks of dialogue to indicate changes in the speaker.

Its somewhat deliberate, although I sometimes, without noticing do it consistently. And yup, perhaps I should be more specific about possessions etc, its all easy to read in the writers head.

And perhaps I could do something to make discussions clearer.

And I'm glad you find the story interesting, feed back is always appreciated!
This post was last modified: January 30th 2013 12:20 PM by Nehemia


Come, Unstoppable Eraser Rain
Throat Adder | Societas Daemonica
Like Reply
Post #34753
Member

7
Faction & Race:
Aldmeri Dominion (Altmer)
How Old is Nehemia ?
The Past and Present could relate to his age and the family ?


Please be Careful who you drink with, they could be holding a Slave Collar behind them..
Like Reply
Post #34757
Contributor

335
Faction & Race:
Ebonheart Pact (Dunmer)
The thing is, I ain't going to tell ya that.


Come, Unstoppable Eraser Rain
Throat Adder | Societas Daemonica
Like Reply
Post #34782
Member

4
Faction & Race:
Daggerfall Covenant (Breton)
A darn it I saw Foundation Lore and I immediately thought Isaac Asimov. Now I have a sad face, but this story was pretty good so I'm not entirely disappointed.
Like Reply
Post #34825
Member

165
Faction & Race:
Ebonheart Pact
Nord
Went back and found the other Foundation Lore's, great set of short stories.




Like Reply




User(s) browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)
(Register or log in to remove advertisements - why ads?)


This fan site is not affiliated with ZeniMax Media Inc. or any of its subsidiaries. Including, but not limited to, Bethesda Game Studios and ZeniMax Online Studios.
The Elder Scrolls® images © ZeniMax Media Inc. / Forum content © TESOF.com