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Don`t drink anything suspisious from magi


Started by Sarin strdr
Post #75353
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It was on a cool evening on the third of Heartfire 2E 578. The former Sir Sarin Valcroft now referred to as Sarin walked the streets of the imperial city investigating the explosion in the imperial city. He was on an expedition with a good friend of his who was intrigued in the matter.

As he walked the streets of the imperial city heading towards his favorite place to eat and drink with patrons (the All-Saints Inn) he was approached by three hooded individuals in black robes. bearing devious looks towards him.

"hello good sir could we offer you a drink" They held a tankard full of an unusual looking substance.

Sarin not being the type to pass up a drink even amongst strange hooded folk such as these drank "to good health for these nice young" Sarin then dropped mid sentence spilling the contents of the tankard across the ground and robes of the mages.

The mages looked at each other then back to the incapacitated Sarin and then dragged him away.

Sarin could smell the unsettling odor of the imperial sewers as well as faint traces of blood and alchemical ingredients. As he tried to move he realized he had been bound in chains to a chain of iron. He felt the cold iron on him bare skin. He had been stripped of all clothing while he was unconscious.

"Damn magi can never trust them to have any fun always on the job with them. Wonder if anyone saw me get carried away?"

Sarin did his best to try and free himself of his prison but this only made a lot of noise and wasted energy so he gave up preparing himself for the worst.
With all the noise he had made he had aroused the curiosity of his captors who creaked open the large iron door and entered. This time there were four instead of three.

"We`ll if it isn`t our play thing. Ready to play." The produced a red hot iron rod from a near by fire. They took turn jabbing it into him until most of his skin had turned red and burnt.
"Having fun yet?" the newest produced figure said with a malicious chuckle following.

Sarin leaned as far as he could forward and spat in his face before going unconscious from the pain.

"A rude one eh? We`ll make him pay when he wakes again won`t we?"
The three lesser replied nods and giggles.

This torture continued for days in cycle with his torturers using a vast knowledge of alchemy to keep him from dying. They got very creative with torture methods improving them by the day increasing the pain at first slowly and then would jump to things that would make Sarin wince even when just thinking of them. Eventually Sarin learned that they were vampires who enjoyed spending their endless days torturing helpless folk and then one day sucking them dry. Sarin prayed to any and every deity hoping to be heard and prayers answered but none came only more and more torture. Sarin would try to fight back but this was impossible due to his chain bindings. His skin became raw with his struggles for freedom only making it so much more easy to torture him.

It had been three weeks since he had been captured and he was beginning to loss all hope of ever returning to the outside world. Until one night he heard a great amount of commotion from behind the iron door. There were sounds of steel clashing and spells casted. This occurred briefly until a monstrous roar echoed through the sewers and all noise stopped it had become deathly quite.

after awhile the door creaked open and Sarin could see ten soldiers and more importantly his friend who then began to tell him everything that occurred while he was in the sewer. "Well Sarin I learned that you had been walking the streets and had been seen carried away by three mage looking figures I decided to look into the matter. what I found was that there was a vampiric necromancer cult who uses blood to feed themselves and conjure daedra from oblivion. you were many of their attempts to raise a daedra. we only found you because oh my keen nose. these are people like me, we are all werewolves. I`ve been one since that night in Daggerfall you know those young maidens we`ll they weren`t exactly young. they offered me life beyond death and I agreed. I`m sorry I didn`t tell you but I didn`t know how you`d feel after your incident with werewolves before you been kicked out of you own house and all. So Friend will you join us on an adventure and a drink?

Sarin was astonished he didn`t know what to think there was so many emotions he was feeling didn`t know how to feel. he simply sat in silence while his friend looked back on to him. Sarin then stood up and briefly said "Were is my gear." his friend showed him and turned around to leave. Sarin put his under clothes on for his armor grabbed his blade drew it from it`s sheathe turned back to his friend and whispered "forgive me Varith." Sarin ran his blade into his childhood friends back piercing his heart with the blow and killing h im instantly. The other werewolves drew their blades and attacked Sarin without hesitation. There was plenty of blood split in the sewers that night Sarin lay bloody and battered holding his friend and briefly shedding a few tears for his friends soul now in Hircine`s realm before giving his body the last rights and a decent burial.
This post was last modified: July 4th 2013, 10:22 PM by Sarin strdr


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Iogairn
Post #75708
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I liked the general plot and a lot of sentences were very nicely worded.

But I would say that it is not very detailed. It seems to go from a story to a summary in some points, in particular the ending with his friend. He just comes in for three sentences and then is killed by Sarin. Surely that must have affected him in some way? And the explanation of the magi being vampires just comes across. It would be an interesting twist if it wasn't just revealed in an off-hand way.

But it's a good story, it just needs some work. I hope this helps.


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Post #75837
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yeah I found that to but didn`t know what to put.


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Post #75853
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Well, think about it as if you were one of the magi/vampires. How would you use that to fulfill your purpose: to enjoy Sarin's suffering. Pretty much the same for the friend issue. But there are thousands of books/stories/plays/films on a betrayal of friendship. Try reading a scene in a book with this event happening carefully. Try and mimic the style. Like I said before, you have good writing ability, so you should be able to adapt it to your storyline.


Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night
Rage, Rage Against the Dying of the Light

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Post #75884
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alright I`ll be sure to improve the detail I take


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Post #76973
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it is all updated and improved now


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