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Excerpt from upcoming novel


Started by Nehemia
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So, I've gotten enough pages to celebrate that my first novel is half way. So I decided to share a little excerpt (Critique welcome!) Do note that the original is written in Finnish, and some of the descriptive nature loses its magic when almost directly translated into English. If someone actually asks for more, I can translate few more pages.

Hope you'll enjoy it!



"Attention citizens of the State. Report all potential sickness to the officers of the State."

Lieutenant gazes upwards at the massive, bulky loud speaker hanging from wires above him. He lets out a sighing breath and adjusts the straps of his bag, so it wouldn't abrade his shoulder. His attention is turned to a ship arriving to the port. Rubbing his stubble beard, he approaches the man who's trying the knots of the rope attached to the ship to a pole. Lieutenant checks his uniform one more time before tapping the fisherman's shoulder. "Does this ship travel to the Northern side of the river?" The fisherman turns around, apparently stunned. "I guess not..." The fisherman stops mid sentence and hastily peers the Lieutenant tags from his uniform. "..Most likely Sir Lieutenant is confusing me of someone else." Lieutenant sneers and raises his hand as a good bye.

Whilst Lieutenant makes his way along the edge of the Northwestern Harbor district, he peers at the worn buildings of the North-western part of the city, which is known as a slum area. Due to the recent events the State isolated the commoners areas with large walls of iron and steel, walls consisting of multiple large metal pieces together. Being outside the safety perimeters of the walls doesn't bother Lieutenant, he is used to moving around the poorer areas of the town. The harbors noise levels are little in comparison to the stench that follows. The new regulations force the butchers to do their jobs outside the Walls, and when the work is not supervised, every single piece of animal waste is thrown directly on the stone tiles of the street. The fishermen do the same. In today's economy only fresh fish is an acceptable trading product, and the quickest way to dispose of the old fish is to throw it between the sewer canals. The streets are filled with domesticated animals, and their feces fill the cracks between each tile. The stench reaches the level of harmony when the pungent smell of human urine becomes the icing on the cake. Lieutenants lips turn into a smirk as he passes the prostitutes flirting in front of the brothel, lifting up their skirts to show off their legs. As his focus is turned to the ladies, he bumps into a homeless man, who immediately upon seeing Lieutenants uniform falls to the ground begging for mercy. Lieutenant just pats his head as he continues forward.

In the horizon there lies the end of the Harbor-district. Lieutenant goes through his pockets to find his pocket watch, and he stops to check the time. The clock is twenty past two during the day.

The loudspeakers let out a trembling noise. "Attention citizens of the State. The curfew around the bridge is now in effect. All suspicious activity near the Bridge must be reported to the officers of the State." Lieutenant shakes his head as he leaps past the piles of pigs dumb. He notices an elderly man and a young girl sitting at the docks. As the girl waves at him, Lieutenant grins and makes his way to the tavern across the street.

Lieutenant pushes the door open with the palm of his hand. The smell of cigarettes and the testosterone filled sweat of the working men create an proper atmosphere for mid-day brew. Lieutenant drops his bag from his shoulder to the ground and climbs on a large barstool at the bar's counter. The Taverns owner peers at Lieutenant for a while before stubbing out his cigarette to a whiskey glass. "If you're here for the permits..." Says the Tavern Master prior to Lieutenant interrupting him with a sentence. "Mead, a large pint of mead." The Tavern Master snorts as he places a pint glass underneath the beer tab. "Honestly.. I already cursed your officious nature, Sir Lieutenant. Tell me, what does an officer of the State plan to do on the Harbor district in broad daylight consuming alcoholic spirits? Asks the Tavern Master as he slams the foaming pint on the bar counter. Lieutenants face turns into a more wicked grin as as he places exact sum of coins on the coin gutter: "Being officious."

They both share an laugh. Lieutenant takes an firm grip from his pint, gulping down most of the mead before slowly returning the pint to the bar's counter. Wiping the foams off his face he continues. "The superiors decided to position this Lieutenant to the northern side of the river." The Tavern Masters smile fades. "To the Ramparts?" Lieutenant nods slowly replying: "There are rumors of a rebellion... Last I knew the Northern Province was perfectly satisfied being autonomous part of the State." The Tavern Master grabs yet another pint glass to his hands and begins to polish it with a rag that had seen better days. "Isn't Sir Lieutenant aware of the situation up there? There's a quarantine area for plague victims West of the Ramparts, they fishermen called it... Trap? Or something similar." Lieutenants face turns into a frown as he takes yet another large gulp of the mead before stating: "According to our reports the West is the location of the Medical center." The Tavern Master snorts and shakes his head: "I'll be damned, even the officers are given incorrect information." Lieutenant sighs deep, finishes his beer and leans on the bar counter. "Thank you, and it is best that the Tavern Master does not speak of this... Just in case." The Tavern Master nods with fast rate. "It was a pleasure serving the Sir Officer."
This post was last modified: March 15th 2013, 02:39 PM by Nehemia


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Interesting @"Nehemia", do you have a translation of an intro or anything? Im curious about a quick overview of the story, or a back story. I might be interested in seeing the finished product.

A novel is a very ambitious project to take on. Good for you.
(that wasnt meant to sound condescending, its a compliment)


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(March 10th 2013, 01:05 AM)Balkoth Wrote: Interesting @"Nehemia", do you have a translation of an intro or anything? Im curious about a quick overview of the story, or a back story. I might be interested in seeing the finished product.

A novel is a very ambitious project to take on. Good for you.
(that wasnt meant to sound condescending, its a compliment)

Unfortunately I don't. The good thing will be that if the novel gets translated, it will be done by a proper translator instead of me.


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(March 10th 2013, 03:29 AM)Nehemia Wrote: Unfortunately I don't. The good thing will be that if the novel gets translated, it will be done by a proper translator instead of me.

hehe yea i noticed the little stuff but understand completely :)
Keep me informed though, if you dont mind. Id be curious to see it.


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