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Journals of a Bosmer : Recovery


Started by Leighton Karidian
Post #56237
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[Image: JD1_zps8129e1b0.jpg]

[Image: LD2_zpsc25a8c7f.jpg]

[Image: LD3_zps07e4832f.jpg]

[Image: LD4_zpsb88a1a2c.jpg]
This post was last modified: April 3rd 2013, 11:13 PM by Leighton Karidian


“Anything one man can imagine, other men can make real.” - Jules Verne
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SirKennyR501
Post #56406
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As good as always, but I believe I found an error in the first page. "I never thought it mattered to me that she show me any sort of acceptance", isn't it "she showed me"?

Anyways, good stuff!


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Post #56409
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Nope, that's not an error. I purposely want to leave the status of the people in his life ambiguous. If I write it as "showed" then it sounds like his grandmother is dead or otherwise unable to give acceptance. As I have it written, it feels like there's a possibility of acceptance still. She may or may not be able to, but that's not something I want the reader to know. I will change "came" to "comes" to make it read more properly.

I'm sure there are a lot of errors as I tend to put these together quickly after my playthrough. I do my best to proof them, but no one is perfect. Glad you liked it, though.
This post was last modified: April 3rd 2013, 04:19 PM by Leighton Karidian


“Anything one man can imagine, other men can make real.” - Jules Verne
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Post #56472
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To me as a reader changing just one word won't change the whole meaning or outcome of a story. They are both the same word, the only difference is that one is present tense and the other is past tense. If you added "showed" it could simply mean she didn't accept him, but now she does or she never accepted him and never will. I just find it literary incorrect since your going between past tense and present tense in the same sentence. But it's your choice, I'm just stating what I see.

Ps. I liked "came" instead of "comes". :P
This post was last modified: April 3rd 2013, 10:38 PM by Kynareth


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Post #56474
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Lol, okay then.


“Anything one man can imagine, other men can make real.” - Jules Verne
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