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Short Story, Orc, The Battlemage


Started by Ewan
Post #38091
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This is my first short story, enjoy and please leave a comment if you liked it or not.


Orc, the Battlemage Saga: Staff of Empowerment
Chapter 1
In the depths of night when moons are hidden, single burning building gives light to sleeping forest. In the middle of the red pool of blood, eyes of a dying female Orc burning there last flame, as she reliving her life in those last moments.
“I remember when I met my beloved for the first time, his name is Jaquen Soltaire, inside of Imperial City Inn we were both drunk on Med and got into fist fight and when there was almost no furniture left to break, we got in to trouble with guards. We were released from jail after we paid our fine, at that moment great friendship was forged, by the way I won that fight. He was still a student in Arcane University and deeply in love with Amelie, his childhood friend, so was he’s brother. I dint know her weary well, only some things from his mount when he was dunked and depressed about his unrequired love. And so, all I knew about her was that she is gifted Alquemist with a knock for Alternation magic, she was famous in her days even at Fighters Guild we would hear rumors of her name and her achievements. When they finished their study at University, they departed to their home town to celebrate the wedding between Armaille Soltaire and Amelia Derain, yes he’s brother won her love, even though Jaquen study twice as hard to impress her, and was bather then his brother in all schools of magic, she still chose Almaille.
The foolish me who had nothing bather to do or maybe I dint know bather, join there company of 3, to celebrate the wedding. Some time has passed, by then i was accepted by them as if we were friends since childhood, but i mostly spent my time with Jaquen since love birds spent most of the trip flirting. After the wedding Jaquen seemed broken from the inside and spent most of his time with Med, I did all I could to support him and eventually he recovered over his crush so we became partners and started to adventure all over High Rock, in the eyes of other's it was strange that orc traveled with Breton and sometimes even criticized but he dint mind and actually was starting to enjoy my company. Eventually I realized, I was in love with him, this must be why I joined him on his trip to his home town, but I still dint haw the courage to tell him that, oh Asura how come it so much easier to face Trolls and Bandits then to confess some ones love. And then it happened, like unavoidable storm that rains destruction over the land, Amelie died in an accident. Jaquen was sad when he heard this news and quickly rushed to his brother side, but Armaillen was even worse, almost driven mad by the grief he pledge into dark arts of Necromancy in hopes to find a way to bring his beloved back. Jaquen knew what it meant the moment when he saw that Armaille sought help from Mannimarco, he knew he had to stop his brother from defiling Amelie corps, and forcing her into suffering. He stole a special Soul Gem that Mannimarco provided to his brother. To fill that gem with souls Armaille had to kill 100 people in cold blood, and Jaquen just couldn’t let that happen. After we stole it we ran, far away from his brother and that cult of his, and at some point we lost our pursuers. The trip was exhausting and long, but with time we became lovers. I dint haw the courage to start our relationship, it was he’s doing, one night he said I was the only support he ever had in his life, and that he wish to spent the rest of it with me, which made me truly happy.
Five years had passed and our child already was 4 years old, by that time dire news came to us, Armaille started to lose himself and openly preforming necromancy to find a way to bring his wife back, Jaquen was stricken with terror by this news, he decided he would travel around Cyrodil and consult with Mage Guild’s on the mysteries Soul Gem that we stole from his brother. Four years had passed and our son, Yrog Soltaire I called him, grew fast and strong, with time he developed a thirst for knowledge about magic, I did my best to instruct him in the ways of Warrior and teach him sword technic’s, but he would always return to my beloved’s collection of books. At Yrog 9th birth day Jaquen returned from his quest, he dint haw the Soul Gem, instead he brought short staff in shape of a cane with strange S form for a head. We talked, and we talked some more, when Yrgon show his skill with magic, I could see in Jaquen eyes lite with pride as he looked at his son, and in no time he started to teach him more about magic, even though I tried to refuse, he wouldn’t listen and started to sate our son thirst for knowledge.
The short slice of haven we had dint last long, in the world the war was brewing, Alliances formed, but life goes on and just as Ygro turned 14 we got new information about Armaille, so my beloved left to finish what should haw been done long time ago and end his brother life. What we dint know is that information was a trap to make Jaquen leave his home, so Almaille goon’s would take us prisoners, what they dint know is how fierce an orc can be in battle, especially when defending his child. The battle was bloody, but safety of my son came first, and so I knew that I would die in this battle and that arrow to my back doesn’t help me either. Yrog during he’s training killed bears and trolls, but tonight it is his first humanoid kill, I can see he’s in shock, but the way he handles his sword makes me proud to be his mother and teacher. By the sound outside the second wave is getting close, so I haw to say my goodbye, I tell him I’ll be right behind him, but he knows it is a lie and this is the last time we see each other. So he runs to the south like we planned, with the help of the night and knowledge of the forest he will manage to escape and hide until all this blows over.
And so here we are, this is the end of my story, and the beginning of Yrog great quest of life. I had man who loved me, strong and bountiful son and I am dying in Battle with sword in my hand, it was a good life, my only regret I won’t be able see my son grow and become the great man that he is destined to be."

-To be Continued-
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Post #38119
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You do have to provide more backstory for this story to work out.

Where does your character come from? Why did she go to the Imperial city? Orcs are bareley welcome there.
Why did she leave her stronghold? was she born somewhere else?

Why did mannimarco craft this soulgem? why 100 souls? that sounds arbitrary. you need to give more specifics about your story.
You need more... juicy bits so to speak.

The setup itself is good. I like the idea of having the mother die the way an Orc would.
But its just lacking substance. What is Mannimarcos motivation for helping in this cause? What does he need the 100 souls for?
Where is this Black Soulgem from? Considering this is set before ESO?

You also should have fleshed out his childhood ALOT more.
Concidering this Story is about your Character, you should consider characterizing him more. give him motivations too.
Explain his thirst for knowledge, the problems he faces with his mixed heiritage.

There is just too much potential there to let it go to waste.
Also please do a spelling check.

if even i notice it you realy need to do something against that.
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Post #38133
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(February 11th 2013, 02:05 PM)Sordak Wrote: You do have to provide more backstory for this story to work out.

Where does your character come from? Why did she go to the Imperial city? Orcs are bareley welcome there.
Why did she leave her stronghold? was she born somewhere else?

Why did mannimarco craft this soulgem? why 100 souls? that sounds arbitrary. you need to give more specifics about your story.
You need more... juicy bits so to speak.

The setup itself is good. I like the idea of having the mother die the way an Orc would.
But its just lacking substance. What is Mannimarcos motivation for helping in this cause? What does he need the 100 souls for?
Where is this Black Soulgem from? Considering this is set before ESO?

You also should have fleshed out his childhood ALOT more.
Concidering this Story is about your Character, you should consider characterizing him more. give him motivations too.
Explain his thirst for knowledge, the problems he faces with his mixed heiritage.

There is just too much potential there to let it go to waste.
Also please do a spelling check.

if even i notice it you realy need to do something against that.

Actually when i wrote this story for the first time i had story for both his parents, but it was way too long, so i though i would focus on main character only, Orc Yrog, it meant to be 5 Chapters in total, the juicy parts come in chapter 2 when he meets Imperial mage who went into self exile because he couldn't stand what Mannimarcos done to Cyrodill but hes too loyal to go against current royal family, and the twist is this mage was teacher Of Soltaire brothers in the University, so i wont spoil the story now. The problem i haw is, i wanted to write every chapter in different way, chapter 1 was "last moments of dying orc, a flash memory one could say" chapter 2 will be Journal/Dairy it will tell story of how Yrog becomes student of Carvius Rassarus (imperial mage), during this time it will all make more seance, i hope. Also i will add 1 more character.
This post was last modified: February 11th 2013, 02:30 PM by Ewan
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Post #38137
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yeah but still. you realy should get a groundet backstory.
Plot holes are not good for a story.
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Post #38538
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Redguard
Moving this to the Library :)




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Post #53184
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Don't be disheartened, Ewan, I enjoyed reading it. I know exactly what you mean when it comes to writing a story that might be too long, I do the same myself. This all comes down to the editing process, a good friend you trust can help you trim it down while keeping the important bits.

Ultimately, this is your story and you're providing a backbone for future RP with your character. Go into as much detail on the backstory as you want, it all helps to give some flesh to the bones! My only suggestion here would be to leave a space between your paragraphs. This is a preference issue, but I find it helps - a wall of text can be a bit daunting. Otherwise, I look forward to reading more of your work.
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Post #53218
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(March 23rd 2013, 09:35 AM)Yatur gro-Ushul Wrote: Don't be disheartened, Ewan, I enjoyed reading it. I know exactly what you mean when it comes to writing a story that might be too long, I do the same myself. This all comes down to the editing process, a good friend you trust can help you trim it down while keeping the important bits.

Ultimately, this is your story and you're providing a backbone for future RP with your character. Go into as much detail on the backstory as you want, it all helps to give some flesh to the bones! My only suggestion here would be to leave a space between your paragraphs. This is a preference issue, but I find it helps - a wall of text can be a bit daunting. Otherwise, I look forward to reading more of your work.

Thanks, its actually good to hear that there are people who read it. Currently i am too busy with study's, since exam's coming one after another, i am hoping i get the time to finish last 4 chapters of the story in the summer. I hope you read it then.
The sad part i had all the story inside my head well played, but when i started to write it, it came out not as i hope it would, well true i suck in writing in general, but i hoped characters would compensate my crappy writing.
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Post #53575
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(March 23rd 2013, 11:20 AM)Ewan Wrote:
(March 23rd 2013, 09:35 AM)Yatur gro-Ushul Wrote: Don't be disheartened, Ewan, I enjoyed reading it. I know exactly what you mean when it comes to writing a story that might be too long, I do the same myself. This all comes down to the editing process, a good friend you trust can help you trim it down while keeping the important bits.

Ultimately, this is your story and you're providing a backbone for future RP with your character. Go into as much detail on the backstory as you want, it all helps to give some flesh to the bones! My only suggestion here would be to leave a space between your paragraphs. This is a preference issue, but I find it helps - a wall of text can be a bit daunting. Otherwise, I look forward to reading more of your work.

Thanks, its actually good to hear that there are people who read it. Currently i am too busy with study's, since exam's coming one after another, i am hoping i get the time to finish last 4 chapters of the story in the summer. I hope you read it then.
The sad part i had all the story inside my head well played, but when i started to write it, it came out not as i hope it would, well true i suck in writing in general, but i hoped characters would compensate my crappy writing.

I've been reading your story as well, I like it. Hope your schedule opens up so you can wright the next chapter.Thumbs_up


The two worst strategic mistakes to make are acting prematurely and letting an opportunity slip; to avoid this, the warrior treats each situation as if it were unique and never resorts to formula, recipes or other people's opinions.
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