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The Ambush


Started by Ajeh
Post #66452
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Aldmeri Dominion (Khajiit)
He slid down the embankment slowly, making no sound at all against the gurgling of the creek. He motioned to his companion, merely a quick flick of his claw catching the light to show that he was alright as he made his way under the bridge that spanned the gulley. He winced as he heard rocks tumbling down the steep hill from his companions attempts to come down; he would have to be more subtle for the plan to work. As his companion came towards him he scanned the bridge above them, checking for weakness and instability. The duo would be ambushing a supply wagon travelling to the Ebonheart’s frontline, and according to their intel they would be carrying food and arrows for their siege on Bruma and it was imperative that they delay them. They had been sent from the Summerset Isle undercover to intercept wagons on their way to the front line.

A huffing figure had approached him, “Silence Ma’Rajjar, you going down that hill sounded like and army approaching a battle, Ma’Jehdarr was much more silent” Ma’Jehdarr whispered under hushed breath, “They’ll know we’re here before they even arrive.” Ma’Jehdarr glared up at the underside of the bridge “when the wagon arrives, collapse the right side of the bridge. Ma’Jehdarr will go up the left side and shoot the horse so that they fall down into the creek… and then they’re yours.’ Ma’Rajjar smiled maliciously and prepared the oil that they would spread on the timber bridge.

15 minutes passed before the carriage was heard up the road and by that time the Khajiit were more than ready. Ma’Jehdarr crept up the embankment and prepared his bow for ambush using his night eye to spot the carriage. The steel arrow slid backwards silently up the supple wood of the bow and he took aim at where the horse was going to be. As the front hoof of the beast touched the bridge he let fly his arrow, it spinning as it entered the horses skull. The horse continued forward a few steps before collapsing and the second horse was suddenly carrying the weight of both his fellow horse and the carriage until a second arrow entered its chest bringing it down on to the bridge beside its brethren. Suddenly a loud bang echoed through the chasm as Ma’Rajjar sent his fireball towards the oil dripping from the bridge, the bridge came down from the right as that end exploded and the carriage, and its occupants, came down with it into the creek. Dried beef was swept down the stream as Ma’Rajjar launched himself at the horses.
Fin

Please let me know of your impressions of this short story and let me know what can and should be changed.
This post was last modified: May 19th 2013, 08:20 PM by Ajeh


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RelativeBlue
Post #66607
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A pretty good story of describing its title! Although your characters weren't directly described in detail, they are easy enough to get an idea of. Ma'Jehdarr certainly seems like the more experienced of the two Khajiit! I feel the description of the drawn arrow and subsequent shot was pretty sleek and delicate in a certain sort of way.

The story however does seem to end at a mid-point. Ma'Jehdarr tells the plan in the middle, and then the next paragraph describes the execution of said plan in an exact manner. Perhaps this speaks to how well they stick to their strategies, but it does seem to repeat the same paragraph twice. If the reader were to not know the plan for example, then they'd not expect it when the section of the bridge exploded due to a careful trap and spell. To better maintain that surprise, if you'd like you could simply have Ma'Jehdarr tell his partner to remember the plan. Then after wow the reader when they pull it off.

Anyways it was a good short story and I hope to see more soon!


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Endaros Ilmori - Buoyant Armiger
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Post #66612
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Thank you for your constructive criticism, Ill definitely take that advice into future stories.


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